Stuff Catholics Like

Is is not only the Seraphim surrounding our Lord in the Beatific Vision that like saying the word holy as we learn in the Book of Isaiah. Catholics really like saying the word holy also. We talk about the Holy Trinity, the Holy Spirit, the Holy Family, the Holy Cross, Holy Redeemer, the Holy Name of Jesus, Holy Scripture, Holy Tradition, Holy Mother Church, Holy Communion, Holy Hour, Holy Water, Holy See, Holy Souls, Holy Days of Obligation, Holy Matrimony, Holy Orders, Holy Rosary, Holy Saints, Hail, Holy Queen, Holy Card, the pope as Holy Father, and of course the creeds talk about the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.

In fact we even have Holy Doors, though they won’t be found at your local Home Depot. The reality is we can go on and on about words we place holy before. Even the word holiday is derived from Holy Days.

Now does this mean that Catholics are much like Robin the Boy Wonder who managed to constantly say things like “Holy atomic pile, Batman!” Well if anything Robin got it from us and the first Robin, Dick Grayson, mother’s name was Mary so maybe he was a Catholic. Holy sidetracked, Batman. Let me get back on topic.

So exactly why is their this fixation on the word holy? Fr. Hardon’s dictionary defines holiness as:

In the Old Testament the Hebrew Kadosch (holy) meant being separated from the secular or profane, or dedication to God’s service, as Israel was said to be holy because it was the people of God. The holiness of God identified his separation from all evil. And among creatures they are holy by their relation to him. Holiness in creatures is either subjective or objective or both. It is subjective essentially by the possession of divine grace and morally by the practice of virtue. Objective holiness in creatures denotes their exclusive consecration to the service of God: priests by their ordination, religious by their vows, sacred places, vessels, and vestments by the blessing they receive and the sacred purpose for which they are reserved.

St. Thomas Aquinas defines holiness as that virtue by which a man’s mind applies itself and all its acts to God. So the word holy covers a lot of ground and so it is not surprising that us Catholics can always find a way to slip it in when it is appropriate. Now while we bandy around the word holy a great deal it does not mean that we don’t take it seriously of have diluted its meaning. The use of the word holy is always in relation to the holiness of God. Whether it is objects that have been separated from secular use for divine worship or persons whose holiness is seen by their sanctity, the object is always God.

Catholics also like the word saint and we use that word for persons who have lived lives of heroic sanctity and have been canonized by the Holy Father. The etymology of the word saint is related to the Latin sanctus, holy, sacred. So even when we are not directly using the word holy we are using variations on the theme.

Now it is fine and dandy to use the word holy in so many circumstances, but the most important thing is for us to be holy. The constant use of the word holy should remind us to direct ourselves to God and to grow in holiness so that we can be closer to him. Holiness is not just something for priests and religious to do, but their is a universal call to holiness. In Lumen Gentium (we also like dropping Latin words whenever we can), the “Dogmatic Constitution on the Church” from the Second Vatican Council taught that “all are called to sanctity” and that “all Christians in any state or walk of life are called to the fullness of Christian life and to the perfection of love. . .”

So join in the fun with the Seraphim (one group of Holy Angels) and add holy to your vocabulary, but most of all be holy in your life.

If you aren’t Catholic, you may have gotten the idea from watching television shows from the 1960s or even old movies like, “On the Waterfront,” that priests are really important. Now, if confession or receiving the Body and Blood of Jesus is a Catholic’s thing, then yes, priests are very significant. For other Catholics, though, there is another group that is held in high esteem: the lay people. That’s right, the regular folks who sit in mass, lead the singing, play the instruments, process in with “the Book”, flood the altar with extraordinary visitors, pick out the hymns to sing, crank out the bulletins, usher, etc, are held in special reverence.

If you are not Catholic and attend mass for the first time, you may have a hard time telling the difference between the priest and the lay people. This is because the lay people are generally in prominent positions in front of the church, facing the people. They are in and around the altar, and have numerous speaking and singing parts during the mass. Many times they are distributing communion, as well. Here is a hint if you get confused: the priest wears a long, flowing robe. Lay men wear pants; lay women wear whatever they want. That tip should help you.

Some laypeople have a fondness for guitars, banjos, bongos, tambourines, drums, etc. This gives them the chance to display their musical skills. Other laypeople have pretty voices and enjoy singing. They probably hope this will make up for all the other laypeople who aren’t singing. Laypeople like to choose songs that use the pronoun “I.” It gives them the chance to play God’s part during a song. They get to be the Bread of Life, they get to raise everyone up on the last day, etc. Laypeople want you to be able to play God, too. Despite this tremendous opportunity, most laypeople in the pews still choose not to sing very loud, if at all. Perhaps the pewsitters are embarrassed at their comparable lack of talent.

Still other laypeople use their considerable talents to distribute communion to parishioners. Laypeople like affirmation, so if you see one after church, be sure to tell her what a great job she did. Don’t be scared. A layperson will not immediately warm up to you or try to get you to be Catholic. This type of thing generally makes a layperson uncomfortable. Laypeople believe that “evangelizing” should be left to Protestants.

It is important for you to realize that all lay people are equal, but some are more equal than others. Although laypeople look, by and large, pretty much the same, some lay people wield special power. For example, if a parish priest used to give homilies (another word for sermon) on issues such as abortion, divorce or birth control at a church – and doesn’t anymore – well you can be sure one of these laypeople exerted his special power on him. Laypeople generally do not like homilies that deal with tough subjects like Hell or sin. That kind of stuff is for Protestants. Laypeople with the most special power usually 1) have a great deal of money 2) make their opinions known, often and 3) are very active in the church. If they have a problem with Magesterial teaching, that is usually a plus.

For some Catholics, other laypeople can be a real trial. Besides their desire for affirmation and need to participate, they can do some pretty irritating things. Laypeople sometimes like to bring their 11 and 12-year-olds into the cry room when they can’t get them to be quiet during mass. Laypeople will talk to each other and answer their cellphones during mass. Some laypeople have been known to eat Cheez-Itz, chew gum and drink cokes during mass (but respectfully put all these things away once communion starts) Whatever you do, do not complain to the office about these laypeople. The people in the office will always take the other group’s side. After all, no one likes a tattletale.

Other laypeople –generally pewsitters and people who spend a lot of time kneeling in prayers — will glare at you if you cough or if your baby cries. These types of laypeople are very holy and do not want their holy time disrupted. These types of laypeople have also been known to give the priest tips on how to improve his homily or bring more reverence to the mass. The best way to deal with these laypeople is to be very quiet and not make eye-contact.

In extreme cases, laypeople have actually caused other laypeople to leave the Church. However, for most faithful Catholics, leaving is not an option. Starting a blog and complaining about it is, however.

While it’s true that your average student at a Catholic College wonders almost daily why thinking about God needs to be so dang hard when Jesus loves us anyway, most Catholics come to nourish a certain pride in accomplishment that we have some kick-butt theology coming from our ranks.

Savor this, if you will:
“But what was it that delighted me save to love and to be loved? Still I did not keep the moderate way of the love of mind to mind–the bright path of friendship. Instead, the mists of passion steamed up out of the puddly concupiscence of the flesh, and the hot imagination of puberty, and they so obscured and overcast my heart that I was unable to distinguish pure affection from unholy desire. Both boiled confusedly within me, and dragged my unstable youth down over the cliffs of unchaste desires and plunged me into a gulf of infamy.” (Augustine’s Confessions, trans. Outler, Book II.2)

Whew.  I’ll bet Augustine wrote those lines, put down the pen quill with satisfaction, and thought “Dang, I’m good.”  Or would have if he was not such a humble Catholic Christian.

Although there are certainly many skillful Protestant theologians–devoted to God through Scripture, prayerful people, and intellectually very sophisticated–theology is a field at which Catholics excel. There is a devotion to craft, best expressed in the scholastic understanding that faith and reason, properly understood, do not work against each other but with each other for our growth as Christians. Understanding is not essential to salvation, but could indeed help form our faith, conscience, and spur us to holiness. There is a healthy respect, even embrace, of rationality. This keeps the intelligentsia in university cultures perpetually perplexed. It’s rather fun.

The other reason Catholics have a secret yen for theology has to do with liturgy. You can’t live through a Catholic Mass without getting the equivalent of a super-soaker in theology. You know all the ink and worn blogger fingertips debating the extraordinary vs. ordinary form of the mass? This proves how theological Catholics are. Protestants would say, eh, so have a contemporary and traditional service, whatever. But liturgy isn’t about blocking or entertainment or even much about preference. Whatever “side” you’re on, it is about living out a particular understanding of who God is and who we are. So theology–through the Mass, whether you have studied it formally or not–sinks into your very bones as a Catholic.

As two friends of mine cheerfully debated in grad school (well, in a bar, two beers in, after class…hence the “cheer”):
Baptist friend: “…See, that’s the problem with you Catholics. You have the cold, distant Christ while we Baptists have the warmth of Jesus.”
Catholic friend: “Yeah, well, we Catholics have theology and you Baptists have choir practice.”

At the top of the list of stuff that Catholics like is holy water. Holy water is great stuff and unlike bottled water is absolutely free! Now I am not talking about the worst Bad Company album ever titled Holy Water, but water that has been blessed and can be found in any Catholic Church.

When you enter a Catholic Church you should almost immediately see a Holy Water Font.

Now the above is not the holy water font I am talking about. Normally they look something like this.

Fonts are simply vessels used to hold the holy water and are often located in multiple locations towards the entrance of the Church. Though sometimes you will find a large baptismal font filled with holy water.

Holy water is water that has been blessed by a deacon or a priest and normally a very small amount of salt is used. This spiritual water is a symbol of spiritual cleansing. Using holy water is also a reminder of our baptism and the baptismal promises we say each Easter. Holy water is considered a sacramental by the Catholic Church and unlike sacraments their efficacy depends not on the sacramental itself, but on the influence of prayerful petition.

Now as Catholics enter a church they bless themselves with holy water while making the sign of the cross. This is an interesting confluence since we combine the begriming of our Christian life in baptism with our redemption through the death of Christ via the sign of the cross. Catholics love cool symbolism like that! Not only that often we combine this with genuflecting (bending the knee) at the same time if we see a tabernacle with the Blessed Sacrament present. I told you we love symbolism and bending the knee to Jesus fits quite well with Philipians 2: 10.

But that doesn’t end the holy water fun in a Catholic church. During the Easter Vigil Mass a priest or deacon will walk thorough the church sprinkling holy water on the people via a liturgical implement called a aspergillum.We also love cool words like aspergillum. So if a priest is casting aspersions of holy water at you this is a good thing.

You will almost always find holy water available in the church unless the font has dried up and hasn’t been refilled yet or it is Good Friday and Holy Saturday. On these days holy water fonts are emptied in preparation for the blessing of the water at the Easter Vigil and as a deprivation during the beginning of the Triduum as we meditate on the crucifixion. Though some parishes go a little overboard and deprive their people of holy water for the whole of Lent. Or sometimes even place things like sand or marbles in the font instead. Emptying the fonts for the whole of Lent though is an innovation and is not permitted as per the Congregation for Divine Worship.

Holy water is also used during baptisms, but in an emergency any water is fine since the validity of the sacrament does not depend on having holy water.

The use of holy water though does not stop at the door of the church. Many Catholics also maintain holy water in their homes. It is easy to obtain plastic bottles used specifically for this purpose that are simply filled from a holy water font directly or from a small tank containing holy water found in some churches. You can then use holy water at home for example to bless yourself with it before praying and once again using the sign of the cross or with.

Now if your teenager looks like this you might consider keeping a six pack or more of holy water around the house. Well actually if your teenager looks like this and is suddenly able to speak Latin while their bed is moving like a bucking horse you need to contact your diocese for discernment as to whether they are demonically possessed, mentally ill, or just a normal teenager. If a diocesan exorcist does have to get involved then holy water certainly will be involved.

Now holy water shouldn’t be used in a superstitious way as if the holy water would have some magical effect. Like I mentioned previously the efficacy of holy water is based on prayerful petition. That is another thing Catholics like - being able to say cool things like “the efficacy of holy water.”

Catholics like babies. No, scratch that – Catholics love babies. It’s not that Catholics love babies more than other religious denominations, it’s that they like having as many babies as possible in accordance to the number that God is willing to bestow upon the family. Though the US average of babies per household is 2.1, it is not uncommon to find Catholic families whose number of babies in their home supercedes the national average.

This, being better than average, Catholic mentality towards babies can be troublesome for some Catholics in the US as it is deemed acceptable in America to have 1,2, or 3 babies. The ideal for Americans is to reproduce themselves in their baby making efforts where one baby is female and the other is male. Thus modeling their babies after themselves: one for the husband and one for the wife. The 2-baby US mentality is illustrated in the common phrase that comes from the mouths of married couples everywhere: “We want an Adam and Eve.”

Though it is not looked down upon if a family has a third baby, it is normally not encouraged. A fourth baby is acceptable for Catholics in that Catholics, with their anti-contraceptive and pro-life views, are seen as unenlightened and uninformed to the ways of modern people. So a fourth child is considered forgivable based on the Catholic’s ignorance to modern ways and behaviors.

However, if a Catholic family has 5, 6, 7 or more babies, it is seen as a crime against nature and a sin against humanity. In fact, countless Catholic mothers, who have 5 or more babies, have often received flabbergasted looks after having responded “yes” to the question “Are all these yours?” This encounter normally occurs in public places such as supermarkets, department stores, malls, or any other place that makes it difficult for the mother to keep track of every behavioral happening of her babies. The question “Are all these yours?” commonly follows when another person sees a Catholic mother who, with two shopping carts spilling over with groceries, without makeup on, and hair is tied in a pony tail, has one baby in her arms, another in the shopping cart, a third gripped tightly in one hand, the fourth baby clinging dearly to his mother’s dress, while the fifth baby has just knocked an entire shelf of canned peas onto the floor, which by chance startled the baby in the mother’s arms causing him or her to wail like a banshee. She will unjustly be labeled a ‘bad mother’ by outsiders for not having the grace of being born with 5 arms.

It is speculated by many non-Catholics that a Catholic family’s Catholicity is qualified and quantified according to the number of babies had by said Catholic family. When discussing Catholic families with other Catholics it is more often than not, with some jest, remarked that a Catholic family with 4 or more babies is a ‘good catholic family.’ Though this is the American public view of Catholics with many babies, more is required in order to be a good Catholic family than having lots of babies. Such as: raising the babies in the Catholic faith, going to Sunday mass, taking advantage of the sacraments, being the primary educators for the babies, and teaching the babies to pray and pray regularly.

It must be noted that Catholic families are not baby factories. Nor are Catholic families baby making machines. Further, there are no rooms or houses where Catholic wives are chained to beds perpetually pregnant and popping out babies like a queen bee. Nothing can be further from the truth.

However, to the Catholic, babies are seen as gifts to be received and loved, as the baby was conceived in love, so too the baby needs to be loved. Some non-Catholics have theorized that the higher the number of babies in a Catholic family the greater access the family has to secret church teachings and meetings. Fortunately, this is not the case. There are no Catholic mothers opining disapproval that the Jones family has 7 babies while her family only has 5 babies. Neither are there Catholic Fathers complaining about not being able to get into the secret basement meeting because his family only has 6 babies. This is not the reality.

To the Catholic, babies are to be received openly and lovingly. Babies are seen as a blessing and a source of joy. If possible, a large family demonstrates not only God’s generosity but the parent’s as well. Likely the reason most people refuse to have a multitude of babies is because babies can be a handful as you never know what inconsistency they will catch you in next or when you will by one baby’s “why?” from a metaphysical breakdown. Yet, Catholic have time and time again have found it fit to love babies and love having lots of babies.

It’s all over the news tonight, Hillary Clinton was wearing one of those Brazilian Mary bracelets at a campaign stop in Pennsylvania. Everyone is all in uproar - Was it a campaign ploy? Does she actually have some real faith in Christianity? Did an operative of Mother Teresa put it on her wrist without her noticing? Is the blue in her suit a liturgical color?

Someone else pointed out that David Ortiz from the Boston Red Socks also seems to have one on his arm. And not to be out done, Stephen King mentioned in an interview a few years ago that he wears a miraculous medal because it gives him comfort (something he desperately needs). And what about the ubiquitous crucifix highlighting the chests of countless models, actresses and singers? Madonna really took the whole Catholic thing to the extreme by using her real first name and using Catholic props in just about every sacrilegious way imaginable.

So what is it about these sightings that makes Catholics start twittering? I think it is the satisfaction knowing that there is so much Catholic stuff out there that you almost can’t help getting snagged by it. Have you ever wandered into your local Catholic store and seen the bins and bins of one-decade rosaries, scapulars, dashboard statues and glow-in-the-dark night lights? Is it any wonder that you see this stuff on non-Catholics? It’s like burs in a field of grass, even if you don’t want to a rosary bracelet is going to eventually jump on to your wrist and hold on for dear life. Don’t worry about it. Just accept that there is a little Catholic in all of us and smile.

Nothing apart from Mass gives Catholics more comfort and causes more spontaneous combustion among Protestants than the Rosary.

While the number of televisions per person in the United States almost boggles the mind, that statistic doesn’t hold a nine day novena candle to the number of Rosaries per Catholic in the US. If you include all the broken ones in the bottom of drawers that are going to get fixed (someday), your numbers start looking like numbers for electronic gadgets in Japan.

So what is it about the Rosary that causes Protestants to have heart palpitations? Well, the Bible has several air-tight, case-closed, how-could-you-even-look-at-such-a-perversion-of-true-prayer verses that on first glance seem to once again damn Catholics to Hell. Not that it really matters since they are all going there anyway for keeping all the books in the Bible, saying that only one person can make infallible statements about doctrine instead of anyone who can read, asking dead people for help and having leaders who wear funny hats. Oh, did I forget to mention the Inquisition? Really, with everything Catholics do wrong, it’s hard to believe that praying the Rosary would even be an issue, but any stick will do.

Basically, the problems with the Rosary come down to two things: 1) repetitious prayer and 2) praying to Mary. The repetitious prayer charge comes from Matthew 6:7-8 which reads “And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do” (New American Standard Bible). The word “meaningless” is also translated as “vain” which is the typical word used by Protestants. The problem with this charge is that no one these days is taught how to diagram a sentence. If people actually knew how to properly angle adjectives off the subject and also knew what a participle phrase is (or not), they would realize that Jesus is using “vain” or “meaningless” (on an angled line below the subject) to modify “repetition”. They would also realize that the full sentence diagram for these two verses actually forms a picture of Pope John Paul II if diagrammed in the original Greek. Or was it Latin?

Further proof that Christ didn’t believe that repetition was a problem is found in the VERY NEXT VERSE where He teaches the “Our Father” prayer. Now why the heck would Christ teach the apostles a repetitious prayer if He had just condemned such prayer? I guess He could have been playing a game of Simon Says:

“Simon says to go baptize all nations.”

“Simon says to take up your cross and follow Me.”

“Pray like this…’Our Father’”.

“Oops! Simon didn’t say ‘Simon says’. You all go to Hell!”

The second common charge against the Rosary is that Catholics are praying to Mary instead of Jesus. Refuting this charge is pretty darn tough since the main prayer in the Rosary starts with “Hail, Mary, full of grace.” And later, “Pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of our death.” I’m not Bill Clinton so I don’t think I can spin my way out of this. Yes, Catholics do ask dead people, the Mother of God included, to pray for them.

The thing is, Protestants do the same thing except they just ask living people to pray for them. What I don’t understand is why asking living people to intercede for you is fine but asking people in Heaven is a big no-no. I mean, the folks in Heaven are right there (metaphysically speaking) next to the Holy Trinity. And even more, Mary is, well, the Mother of God. Don’t you think Mom has a little more pull than everyone else when she asks Jesus to do something?

If you don’t believe me, go back and read the account of the wedding at Cana (John 2:1-11, that’s near the back of the Bible for all you Catholics). Mary doesn’t even have to ask a direct question! Instead, as comes naturally to mothers, she makes a statement with a command implied and changes the course of salvation history. Notice, Jesus says “My time has not yet come.” and Mary just ignores him! She is so confident in her position as His mother that without actually telling or asking Him to do anything assumes that He will change His plans for His salvific work because she says “They have no more wine.”

This seems proof-positive to me that not only is asking dead people to pray for us a good thing, asking Mary to pray for us is like bringing a gun to a knife fight - you always win.

So next time someone looks at you funny for praying the Rosary, rest assured that while you may look funny, praying the Rosary isn’t going to send you to Hell.

The current process for declaring someone a saint was established by Pope John Paul II in 1983 in the document Divinus Perfectionis Magister. This document continued a process of simplification started by Pope Paul VI during Vatican II.

So how do you get to be a saint?

First, you have to be dead at least for five years. Yes, I know that your mom is a saint, but unless she is dead the Church isn’t going to take an interest in canonizing her. (Canonization is the Catholic term for declaring someone a saint.) The pope can waive the five year requirement but don’t expect an exception on the death part.

Heroic Virtue

Second, you have to either a) die for the Faith (a martyr) or b) demonstrate “heroic virtue.” Dying for the Faith may seem like a pretty remote possibility these days, but some of the most deadly persecutions against Catholics have happened within the last 100 years in Spain and Mexico, and in many places in Africa today being a Christian greatly reduces your life expectancy.

So for those of us who don’t have a martyrdom to look forward to, what’s heroic virtue? Fortunately, like in most things, the Church has divided things into nice categories. There are the theological virtues (faith, hope and charity) and the moral or cardinal virtues (prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude). If you had to memorize the Baltimore Catechism you already knew that.

Exhibiting heroic virtue doesn’t mean that you are perfect or look like one of those doe-eyed pastel saints on holy cards (ick). It does mean that you live a life so that anyone who looks at the list of virtues can say that you excelled at them all.

Start a Cult

Next, a bunch of people have to actually know that you lived a life of heroic virtue and decide to start pestering the local bishop about it. These people have the task of making a case to the bishop that you deserve some sainthood scrutiny and also of raising money to pay for the process. Yes, canonization isn’t free and the Church doesn’t foot the bill.

Once the bishop is convinced that you might be worthy of putting on the track to sainthood, an official proceeding is opened where as much information that can be gathered about your life is collected and gone over with a fine tooth comb. Those embarrassing pictures from college? That article you wrote for the newspaper? All will be seen by your local bishop and the committee that will review your life for sainthood.

Your Venerableness

Once the local bishop has decided that you did lead a life of heroic virtue, your cause is forwarded to Rome so that the Sacred Congregation for the Causes of Saints can go over all the information again. If the Congregation decides that you did lead a life of heroic virtue, their opinion is sent to the pope who decides if you should be declared “Venerable.” If you make it this far, you are in luck. Most don’t get this far and many causes have been in process for hundreds of years.

It Would Take a Miracle

A declaration of Venerable means that the pope agrees that you lived a life of heroic virtue but doesn’t give you a spot on the Church calendar yet. Prayer cards asking both for the furthering of your cause and also for your intercession can be printed. This is important because the next step, Beatification, will take a miracle of the Miracle Max variety.

Avoiding a beating from dad or graduating from college doesn’t count. This has to be a real miracle that doctors and scientists examine and can’t find an explanation for.

For example, the miracle that was used for St. Elizabeth Ann Seton’s beatification was the miraculous cancer cure of a nun. The other thing that is required to prove a miracle is that there is documentation that there was a pre-existing condition that has been cured through intercession. You can’t say that you were turned into a newt and that you were cured through John Paul II’s intercession unless you have some medical proof of your former newtness.

Your Blessedness

Once the doctors have determined that none of them could have cured you and your life is gone over again, the pope can decide to declare you “Blessed.” Being a Blessed means that your local diocese or religious order can officially put you on their calendar and say masses in your honor.

You’ve Been Canonized!

Once you are a Blessed it’s time to start waiting for another miracle unless more than one have been under investigation already. Once a second miracle is confirmed and a final review of your life is complete, the pope can decide to officially canonize you. This doesn’t mean that you now suddenly get a pass into Heaven. The pope (or the Church) can’t declare that someone is a saint who really isn’t. The canonization is just a formal recognition by the Church that you are in Heaven and lived a saintly life.

This is it - you are now a saint and you get added to the liturgical calendar for the entire Church. Hopefully the artwork that has been done of you will be realistic at least and flattering at best. You probably wouldn’t want to look like you are wearing rouge and photographed through a soft lens on the millions of holy cards that get printed of you. Ack.

Used with permission from Aquinas and More Catholic Goods.

You’ve heard it. You’ve probably done it. If you haven’t, your children have innocently followed the herd and started applauding during / after Mass. It’s embarrassing to admit that you hate it, especially when your discomfort at clapping gets you labeled as “anti-community”, “choir hater”, or worse, “not nice”.

If you aren’t Catholic and happen to wander into a typical parish you will probably be a little confused. You may assume that people go to church to worship God. You might also assume that everything that is done during a service has to do with worshiping God. You would then be very confused to see that Catholics like clapping for some really stupid stuff at Mass.

The hospitality ministry just made an announcement about the upcoming blood drive? Let’s all clap. Father said something about getting home before the football game? Let’s all clap.

The choir just finished the final hymn and you finally think that clapping makes sense because the rain-stick holding “musician” in the back couldn’t keep time with the out of tune piano which did a horrible job holding together the train wreck of an attempt at harmony from two people who would have been strangled with glee club bow ties back in high school had they auditioned and YOU ARE SO THANKFUL THAT IT’S OVER THAT IF YOU WEREN’T ALREADY STANDING, YOU WOULD GIVE THEM A STANDING OVATION FOR QUITTING. Then you realize that the congregation is clapping in appreciation of the choir and you almost brain yourself with a tambourine because these people either have musical taste worse than a bar on karaoke night or they are even greater fans of the affirmation mentality than Barney the dinosaur.

But what about those times when the choir, and it is almost always the choir, actually sings something that outside of church would deserve a standing ovation? Again, if you aren’t Catholic you probably would be asking yourself why people applaud how great a job they did worshiping God. And if you were to take the flautist’s flute and shove it through a guitar before stomping out of the church, I couldn’t really blame you. Clap-happy congregants don’t make any sense to me either.

The only one who has any business applauding is God and I have yet to hear that He has ever done so, at least not before the end when He might say, “Well done, ye good and faithful servant,” but I am pretty sure there is no documented time He said it to a liturgical kazoo player.