Maybe it sneaks up on me every year because this Sunday is known by a variety of names. The Latin word Laetare refers to the opening phrase used in the Introit, Laetare Jerusalem, which means “O be joyful, Jerusalem.” The purpose of this Sunday is to give hope to all those crazed chocolate lovers who haven’t had a Hershey’s bar in three weeks. We’re halfway through the season, there’s still hope! In traditional parishes, this would be the week where organ playing is allowed and flowers can adorn the altar. In some parishes though it probably just means a chorus of snickering as everyone notices that the pastor is wearing pink.

The reason for these special vestments (rose, not pink) is partly to set the joyful Sunday apart from the rest of Lent. It’s similar to Gaudate Sunday in Advent when you light the pink (yes, pink, not rose) candle. The other part explaining the rose vestments stretches back nearly a thousand years to Falcone of the Court of Angers. We [Google] don’t know what he did but Pope Urban II saw fit to honor him with a rose as a sign of Falcone’s apparent friendship to and support of the Chair of St. Peter. For hundreds of years, friends of Rome would receive recognition of their fealty in the sign of a rose. This tradition was ceremonialized during the Avignon papacy as it became common for the pope to bless an artisan-made golden rose on Laetare Sunday and award it to a worthy beneficiary in Santa Croce in Gerusalemme, one of the Seven Churches of Rome. The tradition of the Golden Rose exists today, but it has not been awarded to a person since Pius XII honored Charlotte, Grand Duchess of Luxembourg with it in 1956. Today it is only given to great shrines. The Shrine of Our Lady of Knock has one and so does the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception.

Laetare Sunday also is sometimes referred to as the Sunday of the Five Loaves. In the Pre Vatican II 1962 Missal, the passage about the miracle of sharing was read, only back then it was still the miracle of multiplication. Now it’s irrelevant because in our three-cycle liturgical system we no longer read about the Five Loaves on Laetare Sunday. 2010 being Cycle C we hear the story of the prodigal son (or the prodigal father, as I once heard it explained). Cycle B calls for the reading of the WWF verse, John 3:16. Next year, as the cycles reset we’ll hear a sermon on the curing of the blind man from John 9.

In Europe Laetare Sunday is similar to Mother’s Day and so it is known as Mothering Sunday. The Epistle from Galatians calls Jerusalem the mother of us all and this Sunday all mothers, the Blessed Virgin Mary and especially “mother church” are honored. People frequently try to attend Mass at the nearest cathedral, their mother church. It is also the only Sunday in some European parishes when people can get married during Lent.

Lastly, this mid-Lenten Sunday has been known as Refreshment Sunday. For people who have been maintaining the strict fast, this is a day when you can ease up slightly, but there are no donuts downstairs today so it isn’t going to happen right after Mass. I’m fairly certain that this term is no longer used anymore because encouraging you to ease up on your Xbox fast is not a prime directive within the Church. They’re fairly certain you’ll find a way to survive. But the word is still out on whether or not my congregation will survive this unexpected Sunday of joy wrapped in a mantle of suffering. I still have three more songs to play.

Sir Henry Cole commissioned John Callcott Horsley to create the first Christmas card. Sir Cole must have had a lot of friends and a lot of free time since he had 1000 printed. Unfortunately, he didn’t give thought to the sensibilities of the times setting off what could be one of the earliest politically correct protests when temperance groups objected to the image on the card depicting a child drinking wine with his family. In our family we believe that children shouldn’t have liquor until they are at least three so the temperance protest is understandable. It should also be noted that the first card didn’t actually include an image of anything religious proving that the English are a bunch godless heathens only interested in selling tea and the worst food on the planet.

Actually, if you look carefully at the card you will see some unhappy figures on the edges. Sir Cole was very concerned about the poor in England and wanted to remind his friends to do something charitable during the Christmas season so he had these cards sent instead of handwriting individual letters. (This is true). (So was most everything else I said so far).

Americans, always quick to copy the British in everything except military tactics, started mailing cards in 1845/6 but had to import them from Europe for thirty years until a someone figured out that yes, Christmas cards can be printed outside of the British Isles. Louis Prang, a German immigrant, started selling multi-colored Christmas cards in Europe in 1865 and started selling them in the United States in 1875. Within six years he was producing over five-million cards a year. That’s equivalent to 10% of the US population at the time.

The first home-photograph card was introduced by Kodak in 1902 which has made it possible for everyone to see how great your family and dog look in matching sweaters.

The first White House Christmas card was sent in 1953 when Dwight Eisenhower was president. Just another reason why everyone liked Ike. The cards were sent to 2000 of his most personal friends. White House Christmas cards now get sent to about 1.6 million people which kind of takes away the thrill of getting one.

If you send Christmas cards, you aren’t alone. The average US household receives an estimated 20 cards a year, down from 27 in the 80’s and 1.9 billion, yes that’s with a “b”, Christmas cards are sent in the US each year.

We recommend visiting the Christmas card gallery to see some examples of antique cards.

This history was culled from Wikipedia, Christmas in St. Charles, Emotion Greeting Cards and our seven-week-old daughter, Maria, who thinks Christmas cards taste great.

If you want to help the US get to 2 billion cards sent each year, we recommend browsing our Christmas card section with a giving heart.

The use of ash is a “delible” sign of our mortality and the dust that we shall return to. The tradition that man is dust stretches way back to Adam, who, like Flint Marko, was actually was made out of dust, and to Abraham who interceded for Sodom and prayed, “Behold, I have taken upon myself to speak to the Lord, I who am but dust and ashes.” Of course the joyful prophets and other fun Old Testament characters like Job and Mordecai used ashes and sackcloth in their daily devotions. While Jeremiah and Ezekiel were wallowing in ash, the even more penitential King David says in Psalm 102 that he ate ash like it was bread. No doubt he was using a Hamilton Beach toaster.

The solemn use of ash was also popular in the early church and was used to mark those who had been temporarily excommunicated for committing serious sins. By the 7^th century the practice had become associated with the first day of Lent. Sinners would confess their sins privately to a bishop and then be enrolled in the ranks of the penitents for public absolution. Wearing ash and sackcloth, these people would be expelled from the community like Adam and Eve from the garden, and their penance and abstinence would last the forty days of lent.

Modern Catholics believe that cleanliness is next to godliness and that dressing well honors our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit. Needless to say, wearing potato sacks and dumping ash on our heads at the doors of our parish for forty days is seldom seen these days. What we have retained is the practice of marking our foreheads with ash made from the burned palms of the previous Passion Sunday. Some delicate people prefer to receive the ash from a woman with small fingers while the more zealous beeline for the man with the giant thumb. At one local parish the priest beams when he gives ash to bald men. To him it means a bigger forehead and he uses the whole canvas.

In Mexico City the Faithful are so enthusiastic (and numerous) that the inventive Franciscans had to develop a new way of distributing ashes to shorten the service. They mix the ash with a measure of holy oil to make it more paste-like and less dusty. Then they have 6-8 people stand side-by-side while they stamp their foreheads with a special tool. This stamp is not available from any church goods supplier and it is rumored that each Friar must build his own as a rite of passage, like a Jedi builds his lightsaber. An experienced priest can stamp up to 10 heads while saying the words from Genesis, “Recuerda, hombre, que eres ceniza y en ceniza te convertirás”.

The New Testament tells us to not to look dismal when we fast and to wash our faces so that our sacrifices are known by God and not by men. If it is hard to reconcile ash and sackcloth with Matthew 16 then perhaps it is time go shopping. You could always try Sak’s Fifth Ave where they specialize in the latest in Catholic penitential fashion, like this classy sack cloth halter top.

Guest post by James Rutherford, General Manager for Aquinas and More Catholic Goods.

For example nobody claims that banks want to prevent people from using pens since they often put chains on them to prevent people from taking them. They chain pens up so that people can use them. In the ages before the printing press when Bibles were hand written often by Catholic monks they were quite valuable so it is no surprise that steps were taken to keep people from taking a copy that might have taken a year or more to produce. In fact it was those same Catholic monks who made copies of Bibles over the years and created those beautifully illuminated manuscripts that we even have complete copies of the Bible to this day.
While it might be currently true that Protestant churches have much more emphasis on scripture study than the average Catholic parish has; Catholics certainly are encouraged to read scripture.  In fact the Church offers an indulgences (a topic for another day) to encourage such practices.  Catholics have long been studying and commenting on sacred scripture a millennium before Martin Luther and the Protestant Reformation came on the scene and their are now plenty of new Bible Study apostolates growing in the Church.

One of the problems most people see with the Catholic Church and the Bible is that they don’t realize they have things backwards. The Church existed before one word of the New Testament was written down. Sola Scriptura would have been a really hard doctrine to follow in the year 33 A.D! Early Christians didn’t just go to their local Christian book store and buy themselves a Bible. The truth is that in the first four centuries of Christianity there was much discussion on what writings actually belonged to the New Testament. The Holy Spirit did not inspire anyone to write a table of contents for us to go by. Sometimes Catholics can take awhile before getting around to defining something and it was the Church that decided on the 27 books of the New Testament that we are all familiar with today during the Councils of Hippo (393 AD) and Carthage (397 AD) and later dogmatically defined during the Council of Trent. Books such as the book of 1 Clement were held as inspired by many while some did not accept the Book of Revelation. It was the Church that decided the matter for the canon that all accept today when it comes to the New Testament. The Holy Spirit guided the Church in her discernment. St. Augustine who was quite active in this period of history where the canon was defined once said “I would not believe the Gospels if it were not for the Church.”

The Church has always taken her stewardship of the scriptures seriously, which is why Catholics have approved versions of the Bible. Catholics may read any version of the scriptures that they want to, but the Church in her prudence approves certain translations for liturgical and other use to protect us from error. This is done not to keep the Bible from Catholics, but to make sure that they have a translation free from outright error. Most Protestants certainly would have a problem with the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ New World Translation which is a very poor translation with an agenda.

But you ask “Hey if Catholics like the Bible so much how come they don’t carry them with them to their Mass?” Well some Catholics do exactly that, but the reality is the Catholic Mass is chock full of scripture from beginning to end. The first half of the Mass is the Liturgy of the Word where on Sundays we get three readings from the Old and New Testament and specifically one from the Gospels. The narratives used during the Eucharist are also straight from scripture and pretty much everything from the beginning of Mass to the end of it you are being immersed in scripture. If you just go to Mass on Sundays you will experience almost all of scripture during the three year cycle of readings that are used in the lectionary and those who go to daily Mass will experience all of scripture within a two year cycle of readings.

The Liturgy of the Hours which is required reading for all priests and religious each day and is strongly recommended for also the laity is also chock full of scripture. Each day as we go through the Office of Readings, Morning and Evening Prayer, and other readings we encounter Holy Scripture throughout – especially the Psalms.  Many of the prayers the Church uses are straight from scripture and the first half of the Hail Mary prayer comes from Luke 1:28.  Pretty much everywhere you turn in the documents of the Church whether it is the Catechism, encyclicals, or other Church letters you will come into contact with scripture constantly.

So if Catholics don’t like scripture than they have done a real lousy job by totally saturating everything with it.  In fact by preserving scripture Catholics have made it available for everyone and so if you are a Protestant next time you go to a Wednesday night Bible Study, thank a Catholic.

St. Gertrude of Nevilles (March 17)

Suriphobia – Fear of Mice

In Australia a mouse plague swept the countryside and farmers killed 544 tons of mice in an attempt to save their crops. A similar disaster in Germany may have contributed to the collapse of the nation in 1917. In 1928 a brave mouse in America named Willie piloted his steamboat down the river and whistled all the way. Australians and Germans are afraid of mice. Americans make pilgrimages to California and Florida to see a famous rodent. I have a friend whose mom and sister spent hours standing on a chair because they thought they saw a mouse in their kitchen, but I think that reaction is unusual. Rats are a little unnerving, but mice don’t attack children or pets and they don’t generally harm people. For you who think all rodents carry the plague, St. Getrude is your patron saint. She had little known experience with real mice, but she had a great devotion to the souls in purgatory who were often represented as mice.

St. Gertrude, you were born only one hundred years after the Plague of Justinian and rodents must have been part of your daily life. The same fuzzy animals that ravage crops and carry disease can be used as inspiration for cartoons and theme parks. Pray that I may see rodents in their proper perspective knowing that they can be used for many good things like companionship, fur, and pet food. Amen.

St. Patrick of Ireland (March 17)

Ophidiophobia – Fear of Snakes

I am not afraid of snakes. I don’t own any snakes and I would be alarmed if I saw one on a plane, but they aren’t all that scary. But I can say that I have been protected from them on at least one occasion. I was playing paintball in the woods with a new remote line for my marker when I thought I heard a CO2 leak. I immediately ducked to examine my equipment. Carefully checking all the connections I found nothing wrong with the gun yet the hissing remained. As I was pondering this conundrum, in the corner of my eye I noticed a coiled up rattle snake shaking his tail just eighteen inches from my feet and less than three feet from my face. I jumped out of my hiding place and escaped without injury but I am well aware that St. Patrick held that snake down for me. The legend of St. Patrick says that he drove the snakes out of Ireland. It is likely that the island never had snakes to begin with, but it is certain that he drove the Druids out of Ireland which is also a great achievement. Honestly, I would have been even more surprised if it was a Druid coiled up in the grass waiting to bite my face.

St. Patrick, you banished the slithering snakes from your country and helped turn it into a Christian nation. When serpents enter my life help me to get them behind me. God cursed them so why can’t I? Pray for me that I may come out from under my rock of fear and experience a snake-free existence basking in the light of creation the way God originally intended. Amen.

St. Sithney of Brittany (August 4)

Hydrophobia – Fear of Water

Water, water everywhere. The aliens in Signs must have been surprised. 71% of the earth’s surface is water and of course our bodies contain about the same percentage. Water is essential for life on earth but it can cause much destruction. Hurricanes, typhoons, and heavy rains have caused untold damage around the world. With a little prognostication Napoleon might have been hydroloophobic but for most people a fear of water is just as peculiar as Monk’s fear of milk. The patron saint for those with an irrational fear of water is St. Sithney. Legend says that God asked him to be the patron of girls seeking husbands and that St. Sithney said he’d rather take care of mad dogs. The water from his well is used as a tonic to cure sick dogs and also hydrophobics. I don’t know how you get them to drink it.

St. Sithney, when I fear water I am fearing 70% of my body. I don’t have a proper appreciation for summer rains, beaches, or miraculous springs and I could really use a bath. Pray for me that I may be showered with God’s protection and that I may receive Christ who is the Living Water. Amen.

St. Gratus of Aosta (September 7)

Insectophobia – Fear of Insects

Whether they come at you like an Egyptian plague or just appear on the inside of the driver-side window, insects are creepy. In some cultures they are considered a culinary delicacy but in America they tend to be used for nightmarish spectacles on shows like Fear Factor. They say every creature was created with a purpose but I can’t help but wonder if maybe insects have outlived their usefulness. For those of you who have a body mass a million times that of a bug but still can’t be in a room with one of them, pray to St. Gratus. His entirely fictitious biography says he traveled to Jerusalem to recover the holy relic of the head of St. John the Baptist. His story does not include any tales about insects but we can imagine that a man who is not afraid to carry around the severed (locust-eating) head of a five-hundred year old saint is probably not afraid of crickets either.

St. Gratus, you showed no hesitation in dealing with nature in all its inglorious glory. God created all the creeping things for a purpose but I pray that I am never part of that purpose. Please guide the insects to their homes outside and away from my car, bedroom, and shower drain. Protect me when our paths cross and give me the courage I need in dangerous situations. Amen.

St. Giles (September 1)

Noctiphobia – Fear of Night

Many people are scared of the dark and some people are even scared of falling asleep. They echo the sentiments of Count Saknussem who didn’t sleep because he couldn’t stand those “little slices of death”. I have never met anyone who was actually afraid of the night. Sure, the townspeople in The Village were a little noctiphobic and Robert Neville locked himself up before sunset in I Am Legend, but those folks were really more concerned about monsters and zombies than they were about the setting sun. But if you insist that you are afraid of the night then your patron saint is St. Giles, a Greek monk who lived in France. His claims to this phobia are as tenuous the phobia itself. He was a miracle worker who drank milk from a deer and was crippled by the king’s hunting party. Many wondrous tales of his good works abound but none of them have to do with night.

Dear St. Giles, you worked many wonders in your life and showed great compassion for the poor and disabled. You may or may not have been afraid of the night but I ask that you comfort me as the sun sets. Christ was both born and resurrected during the still of night, showing Himself to be master of both. Let this night be a time of rest for me, a mini Sabbath, and pray that I may be given peace. Amen.

St. Friard (August 1)

Spheksophobia – Fear of Wasps

At the college I attended most of the students were of conventional social makeup; ultimate frisbee playing, Princess Bride watching, white russian drinking young adults. However, the undergrad population was also tastefully seasoned with certain… irregular personalities. One such character was a guy who always dressed like he was on safari. Not only did he wear a wide-brimmed beekeeping hat and gloves, he also darted from building to building and tree to tree. The whole effect was rather comical and we all thought that he was running from imaginary bees or wasps. Had that been the case he would have been thrilled to know that St. Friard was watching over him. Little is known about St. Friard except that he was a French hermit renowned for his piety. When he was tormented by the locals a cloud of wasps attacked them and they didn’t leave until St. Friard prayed for them.

Holy Friard, you faced tormentors for the sake of your faith and you prayed that God’s mercy would be shown to those who stung you with their harsh words. By your steadfast faith, you were able to banish a cloud of wasps. I pray with you for our spheksophobic brothers and sisters who find themselves pursued by striped insects that they may realize that insects, are more afraid of us than we are of them. Amen.

(not that kind of director!)

Catholics like spiritual directors. Good luck finding one…but we like them a lot.

Good luck finding a handy definition for spiritual direction as well. Basically, THE Spiritual Director is the Holy Spirit. The human director is a person with whom you discuss your spiritual journey, who teaches you to notice and yield to God’s call for your life. Expect that she doesn’t tell you what God wants. Instead, she asks questions that help you hear God’s voice in your soul. Clear as mud?

OK, let’s do a via negativa exercise: getting at a definition by looking at what spiritual direction is not.

Directee: I’m having a hard time praying. I’ve only prayed twice this month.
Not a Spiritual Director: Yeah, me too. I’m kind of wrapped up in election coverage right now. Whaddya think about the veep specs?

Directee: I’m having a hard time praying.
Not a Spiritual Director: Geez. Why is saying a Hail Mary so hard already? It’s 51 short words. Come on, get on your knees, I’m dragging out the rosaries.

Directee: I’m having a hard time praying.
Not a Spiritual Director: So have you been exorcised recently? ‘Cause I can’t think of any other reason.

Directee: I’m having a hard time praying.
Not a Spiritual Director: Well, look, I’ve always thought prayer was overrated. Go do some Reiki or something; that should be enough for God.

Directee: I’m having a hard time praying.
Not a Spiritual Director: I’m not surprised. I just don’t think you’re the praying sort. That’s for those people really called to be holy.

Directee: I’m having a hard time praying.
Not a Spiritual Director: So did Mother Teresa. I think you’re called to join the Missionaries of Charity.

Directee: I’m having a hard time praying.
Not a Spiritual Director: OK, here’s what you do. … Got it? Good. That was easy.

The more correct responses would be:
Real Spiritual Director: (nods, silence, waiting for more) or
Real Spiritual Director: Does that concern you? Could you tell me more about that? or
Real Spiritual Director: Hmmm. So what’s going on?

And then a spiritual director listens a lot, trying to guide directees to fully understand what they are saying, and helping them listen to and discern what God is communicating to them at this place in their lives.

Spiritual directors are important because, as the Second Vatican Council underlined for us, all human beings are called to the heights of holiness. But with the clutter and noise of modern life, not to mention the often anonymous feel to many mega-parishes, a companion who is walking the journey helps. Otherwise, it is like training for a marathon without help. Do-able, but so very hard.

This is a journey, remember, with an end–our hoped ultimate end, life in Christ. They’re called directors because they are bellwethers, providing a leading pointer: this way, not that. Some people will call them spiritual companions or friends, to remind people that they are human too, not some super-guru (fair enough point). But when my first director suggested that the term spiritual companion was better, I sputtered “Look, man, I have companions! I need direction!” So do me a favor. Call it direction. I’m trying to start a movement in this little matter.

If you need direction, remember many of the saints were practiced directors, and their causes for sainthood were subsequently offered by grateful directees, who argued that God worked through them in this way for their ultimate good: deep, joy-bearing, peace-filled union with God. So if you cannot find a director, try a saint. But The Holy Spirit will not abandon you regardless: whatever you do, keep moving toward our goal of joyful union with God’s will and love.

Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy and Immortal, have mercy on us.

Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy and Immortal, Have mercy on us.

Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy and Immortal, Have mercy on us.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, both now and ever and to the ages of ages. Amen.

Holy and Immortal, have mercy on us.

Holy God, Holy and Mighty, Holy and Immortal, Have mercy on us.

Movement 2 – Crossing Oneself

Up, down, right, left, and a small bow. We cross ourselves often. In fact we make the Sign of the Cross whenever any of these things happen.

1. When the Trinity is mentioned.
   
2. When the Theotokos (Virgin Mary) or any other saint is mentioned.
3. When a priest or deacon says “Let us beseech the Lord!”
4. When the altar curtain is closed. The altar for us is not the table itself but everything beyond the icon screen (iconostasis).
5. When during the litany a prayer really touches you.

You can imagine how many times we cross ourselves. A lot.


Movement 3 – The Bow

Sometimes you are being blessed. When that happens you don’t bless back or cross yourself. Take the gift that has been given to you and bow accordingly. Is the censer being cast in your direction? Bow. Is the priest or bishop blessing you (deacons don’t bless) with the sign of the cross? Bow.


Movement 4 – The Full Prostration

There is no kneeling during the Divine Liturgy on Sundays nor during Paschal-tide. While done on other occasions the most notable time to see a full prostration is during the Great Fast (Lent). Make the sign of the cross, get down on your knees, place your hands in front of you, put your forehead to the ground, and then get back up again. During a very moving ceremony called the Great Canon of Repentance this practice is done over and over for many hours. While physically demanding the beauty of the canon in its imagery and subject matter is unquestioned. Some families will also choose to break up the canon into bite-sized portions at home during the Lenten season.

Movement 5 – “Taste and see that the Lord is Good!”

The line for reception of the Holy Eucharist is often rather long, but goes quickly. Extraordinary ministers are frowned upon. As a result it is often the priest and deacon who distribute the Eucharist. Stand up, cross your arms in front of you (in the same way many Western Christians would do when asking for a blessing instead of the Eucharist) and walk up towards the altar. “Wait… that child can’t be more than 4 months old! What is he doing?!” In the Byzantine tradition we Baptize and Chrismate (Confirm) our children at the same time. They are immediately allowed to receive. It’s ok – keep walking. Watch the person in front of you. The head goes back and the mouth is opened wide (No tongue outstretched, please.) and a spoon drops the Body and Blood in her mouth. She walks away and now it’s your turn. You’ve got this figured out.

‘What’s your name?’ says the priest to you.

‘Er… Thomas.’ you say quizzically.

He places the Eucharist in your mouth saying, ‘Thomas, taste and see that the Lord is good.’

Saying your name is quite important and visitors will often be asked their name in this fashion – the priest does not have non-Byzantine X-ray vision, don’t worry! It’s important not to cross yourself after receiving as the priest is holding a heavy chalice that can easily be jostled by an accidental touch.

Movement 6 – Father, bless!

“I’m tired, but I must go talk to the priest and tell him how beautiful that was!” We don’t shake hands with our priests. Instead, we ask for a blessing. Put your right palm over your left and say ‘Father, Bless.’ or if you are meeting a bishop say, ‘Master, bless.’ He will put his hand up thumb to “ring finger” and makes the Sign of the Cross while intoning a blessing. He’ll then put his hand on yours and you kiss it. That’s it. Quite beautiful, no?

Guest post from Byzantine, TX

I’m glad to have the opportunity to explain more about sacramentals, which seem to drive many people around the bend. I hope those who have been driven around the bend by sacramentals and the questions about them are offering up their suffering. It IS LENT.We’ve had quite the discussion about the Brown Scapular.

One reader wants to know:
I am I to understand that as long as I wear the brown scapular (provided it doesn’t fall off), I get to heaven even if I deny the Trinity, the Real Presence and Christ’s Redemption by the Cross?

I really have to ask a question in return. If you deny the Trinity, the Real Presence and Christ’s Redemption by the Cross, why on earth would you run around in a scapular all day every day? Clearly, you have no fear of hell in the first place.

But fine, for the sake of argument, let’s pretend someone would do that. (We can do that while we’re pretending the bones of the Jesus Family have been found and identified.)

Here’s how I see it. Keep in mind I am an old nun that taught Catechism to second graders.

1. Our Lady made the Brown Scapular promise in direct reference to people who had devoted their lives to Christ and His Church. The Brown Scapular to which she refers is a part of their habit. So the promise already refers to the faith. She could have phrased it this way, “All you Carmelites will not see the fires of hell.”

2. The Pope extended the promise to the rest of us, meaning, the Church Militant…which means, we believe the same thing. He didn’t extend the promise to the separated brethren or the Wiccans.

3. As an old nun who taught Catechism, do I believe that you could be a Catholic believer, yet lead a sinful life and still not see the fires of hell because you wore a Brown Scapular? You bet I do! God can do anything He wants, including honoring Mary’s hair-brained promises. God likes to cut people some slack whenever the opportunity arises. Perhaps Mary in her Motherly wisdom realizes that you have to look at that thing and shower with that thing and wear your prom dress with that thing every day of your life and that just maybe that will be enough of a reminder for you to dial it back and straighten up and ask for forgiveness. Like when Jimmy Cagney looks at a picture of his sainted mother while he’s in the pokey and he’s sorry for the sorry life he has led. So touching. These things happen.

Do you have to believe this? No, you don’t.

4. Do I think if you wear a Brown Scapular and lead a sinful life and are not sorry ever but just run around saying, “Ha ha, I’m wearing a brown Scapular! Satan will never get me!” that you won’t see the fires of hell? Not a chance. Satan already has you. The one time you take it off to shower, you’ll slip on the soap and crack your head open. The bus that knocks you out of your shoes will knock you right out of your scapular. The flood waters that wash you away will wash the scapular off your neck. Your evil boyfriend will remove it while you sleep and murder you for your jewels. The paramedic will take it off to give you a shot of adrenaline that doesn’t work. The nursing home worker will steal it from you. The atomic blast will vaporize the Scapular one millisecond before it vaporizes you. As you tumble, end over end, down the basement stairs with no one home to hear all the thumping, your scapular will be tossed off and land right before your eyes along with you at the foot of the stairs. As the life drains from you as you lay bleeding from your head wound, you will reach pathetically for your scapular, but the cat will grab it and run out the basement window. At some point, you are going to want to throw it in the wash. When you do, you’ll drop dead.

You are not going to get away with it, mark my words.

From another reader:

The point I am trying to make is that when catholics make claims about sacramentals without giving the whole story, non-catholics easily fall into the “Catholics aren’t Christian. Catholics are idolators” and a whole bunch of other stuff. I have to frequently explain to non-catholic friends the ideas of sacramentals, praying ‘to’ saints, and ‘worshipping’ the Blessed Virgin.

I have to do that all the time too. Offer it up. It’s a great opportunity to set the record straight.

From yet another reader, this crackpot idea ( I had to correct some spelling):

Got to love how we try to secure salvation through any means possible, regardless of how puerile or ridiculous it is. How can a piece of cloth guarantee salvation? What are we, Hindu?

Along these same lines of superstitious, pagan left-overs in the Church, the Eastern Orthodox have numerous nifty wearable items and prayers to guarantee just the thing you need! Sure glad the church thought of everything. 100% money back guarantee, just like Folsom Lake Ford. Except this time it’ll be too late to go spend your money.

The piece of cloth is a symbol of what we believe. You don’t need the symbol to believe it. You can dump all your sacramentals and saint holy cards into the landfill tomorrow. No problem. You can forget about wearing a scapular. You don’t have to believe in anything that came to us through private revelations: scapular, the Miraculous Medal, the St. Gertrude prayer…let it all go, no problem.

I may suggest also that you rid yourself of your family album and all those videotapes of the kids when they were little and the keepsake opal ring that belonged to your Grandmother because…. who needs reminders? What are we Hindu?

Guest Post from Ask Sister Mary Martha

His descendants made sure they included long lists of geneology in their sacred Scripture. Eventually they graduated into discreet quantities:12 Tribes of Israel, The 10 Plagues, The 10 Commandments, etc.

Catholics have taken up this tradition with reckless abandon.  Not satisfied with the predictable Twelve Apostles and Four Evangelists, Catholics have made it a hobby to create lists, such as the infamous Index Librorum Prohibitorum, (which has given the American Library Association’s a yearly celebration of themselves and bad literature.)

Some bishops in the Church like to mix things up by changing the number of Holy Days of Obligation.  The Supreme Pontiff Pope John Paul II himself decided to (gasp) add to the list of the mysteries of the rosary.  That move got some circles questioning papal infallibility, even though it wasn’t a statement of faith and morals issued ex cathedra.

Lists are a great way of making sure you don’t forget anything, or get away with leaving out like things you just don’t like, such as the books of Maccabees or The First Letter of James.  See if you can fill in the blanks, and if you can then enumerate the lists:

__ Last words of Christ

__ Apostles

__ Holy Days of Obligation

__ Mysteries of the Rosary (including the new ones)

__ Holy Days of Obligation (all that might be obligatory).

__ Sorrows of Mary

__ Gifts of the Holy Spirit

__ Spiritual works of mercy.

__ Corporal works of mercy

__ Doctors of the Church

__ Theological virtues

__ Cardinal virtues (even though Cicero may have been the first to list these, any self-respecting Catholic home-schooler should know this.)

__ Latin adjectives that take the dative case (see note above).

Guest post from Doce Me Domine

Some candles show up in front of statues or pictures. These candles represent the prayers of people who want to pray for a long time but can’t stay there themselves, so they let the candle do the praying for them. The saints represented by the pictures or candles do a lot of praying for them, too. I know one church (I am not making this up) where they never turn on the heat because they have so many candles burning it keeps the church nice and toasty all winter long. And this is a big, stone, neo-gothic place with uber-high ceilings!

Sometimes, candles are the only light we use, especially for masses on college campuses late at night. It’s kind of romantic and kind of spooky and kind of medieval — except for those LED-booklights the priest and reader and musicians use so they can actually see the words. Still, it sets a certain tone, creates an atmosphere of … candle-ness.

Catholics also like candles outside the church. Purple, purple, pink (no! it’s rose!), purple, all December long. And whenever you take the time to pray with someone, it’s good to light a candle. My Dominican community has a seasonal retreat day, and so far there’s been candle-lighting as a big part of every one. When I was a student, we’d hang out with local sisters, and they used candles too! All the time! The local families at parishes I’ve lived at haven’t seemed to catch on to this candle-lighting craze, but they will soon.

They can’t help it. They’re Catholic, after all, and Catholics just love candles.

Guest post from Br. Robert King, O.P.